JESUS ARRESTED SAYS UNIDENTIFIED SOURCE
By Brandon Alexander Geraghty-MacKenzie
WASHINGTON DC--According to an anonymous source in the Justice Department, Alberto Gonzalez, at the behest of Vice President Dick Cheney, has ordered the arrest and secret trial of Jesus Christ after the beloved Savior issued a statement in which he condemned the Bush Administration for its war on reason and compassion.
"The last thing we need," said the unnamed spokesperson, "is some crackpot talking about compassion and civil liberties when Vice President Cheney wants to rule the world."
The Israeli born Jesus, who is also known as the Prince of Peace and the Son of Man, found himself at odds with the administration in Washington after he delivered a repeat of the Sermon on the Mount in front of the Whitehouse on July 4th of this year.
"We don't like Saviours telling us how to run our business," said Vice President Cheney. "Jesus did what he did, but e think the Neocon idea of bomb now and ask questions later makes a lot more sense than getting your facts straight before you launch an invasion.
Secretary of State Condosleezza Vice agreed. "What has this Christ guy done for us lately?" quipped a clearly irritated Rice. "All he did was peddle a bunch of goods about peace and helping the poor, and turning the other cheek. That kind of s--- sounds good in the Bible but I hope none of our followers took this Christianity drivel seriously. God knows we don't."
This wouldn't be the first time that Jesus and the Administration have found themselves at odds over the Vice President's policies. On April 1 of this year, the Son of Man invited the wrath of presidential Puppet master Karl Rove when he made statements about Rove's physical, philosophical, and spiritual similarities to the late Heinrich Himmler. Rove, predictably enough, was outraged. "Everyone knows that my personal heroes are Machiavelli and Josef Goebbels. Rove told the Washington Press Corps. "And I resent the fact that the bastard child of a teenage child named Mary and a middle aged child molester named Josef should receive more respect than I do." Shortly after last year's incident, Jesus, had been detained for 40 days and 40 nights in an undisclosed location in the Middle East, an act which drew swift and vehement condemnation from various human rights organizations. During that time the Prince of Peace had been denied counsel, while Ann Coulter, the Administration's attack rat and all purpose hate merchant, tortured the benevolent Savior with nude photos of herself and President George W. Bush in Mary Cheney's hot tub.
"It was the most revolting thing that I had ever seen," Jesus said. "I came very close to forgetting that I was the son of God, and not a mindless, hypocritical son of a Bush."
The Lord God offered his understanding. "I always told that kid of mine to turn the other cheek, but I wouldn't blame Him if he turned this bunch of war addicts into a bunch of sex-starved centipedes."
After the latest transgression, the Bush Administration may not be so forgiving. Speaking at a stacked town hall meeting in Phuque-yu-qwik, Wisconsin, President Bush hinted that the Son of Man might be harshly punished.
"Someone needs to ahhhh set this long-haired hippy ahhhhhh straight," Bush stammered. "There's only one Lord and God and ahhh that's Dick Cheney."
Cheney agreed. "we're trying to decide if this should be a public or a private crucifixion," Cheney giggled. "At first we worried about the Fundamentalists, but their belief system is so screwed in the head that you could never call it Christian. I think that the evangelical community will pay quite handsomely to see their prophet get what's coming to him. It isn't as if they are genuine Christians, you know."
Jesus was philosophical. "I have a strange was of coming back," he suggested calmly. "If I were Cheney I'd be taking out insurance--preferably a policy that covers flooding, earthquakes, and eternal damnation."
Cheney responded in his usual quaint, nonabrasive manner. "I don't take kindly to threats," he growled. "And if Jesus thinks he's going to scare me he can go f--- himself."
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
JESUS ARRESTED SAYS UNIDENTIFIED SOURCE